i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
