Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
