hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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