Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
