ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
