There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
