I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
