He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
