I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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