Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
