Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
