You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
