i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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