I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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