he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
