I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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