$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
