i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and she was petting her beer can
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He passed out mid-signature
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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