oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
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