Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
