guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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