i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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