wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
