hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
