She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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