Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
