Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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