I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
