If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
