cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
