so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
