I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
