It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I smell like Dick and happiness
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
