Walk of Shame. In a state park.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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