I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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