i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Your cock deserves a montage
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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