Only a mothe r could love this liver
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
