I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
