Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have feelings that need drinking.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
