i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
