You just made me feel so damn special
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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