I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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