You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
