I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
