The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I have demons in me.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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