atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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