I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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