i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
