she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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