he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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